Holding the Hands of the New York Mom

Last night, after the kids were asleep and I was in bed looking at google news, I read about the woman in New York's Upper West Side who came home yesterday to discover the horror of two of her children murdered by their nanny.  I haven't stopped thinking about it since.  I woke up in the middle of the night thinking about it.  I woke this morning thinking about it.

That mom is a million years away from me in so many ways - affluent, American, urban - but in the one way that matters most, we are exactly the same.  We are mothers who love our kids and spend the majority of our lives protecting them from harm and always feeling like we are falling short.  She is a mom, just like me.

Last night, before I shut down my laptop, I read some of the comments people were leaving on the internet about this tragic thing, and I was sickened to see how many people (other moms in particular) were quick to jump to the heartless conclusion that the mom was to blame.  If she had been home, they coldly posited, this never would've happened.  She should have been home, they typed, because "I stay at home and never let my kids out of my sight."

What is WRONG with you people?  What is wrong with you people who could be this judgmental and smug  about a woman who has just looked into the face of our biggest collective fear?  Where are your hearts?  Where is your soul?

This is "blame the victim" once again.  This is what we do.  We see someone endure a horrific crime and we immediately look for ways that it was the victim's fault, because as long as we can blame the victim we can comfort ourselves with the notion that we would NEVER make the same mistake that led to this tragedy.  If a woman is raped we can say: "she never should have been walking alone at night and wearing a short skirt.  I would never do that, therefore I will never be raped."   We can say: "I would never leave my kids with a nanny, therefore my kids will never be murdered by the nanny."  This is the coldest, meanest, and most small minded logic.  This mom did nothing wrong.  She left two of her children with her trusted nanny.  I am a stay at home mom these days, and every so often I get a sitter so I can do something on my own.  Am I asking for it?  My friends here in our small town sometimes ask if they can leave their kids with me so they can have a few hours to get stuff done.  Are they making a grievous error by doing so?  Of course not.

This is a gender issue with a twist.  This is a gender issue wherein women are judging another woman. This woman is a rich, stay at home mom therefore it is her duty to be home?  Bullshit.  The facts so far suggest this mom was out with her third child and left the other two with the nanny.  So there you go, judgers, she was still being a mom while she was out, she was just doing what we all do - she was making things a bit easier (a bit) by doing something with one kid and opting for care for the other two so she didn't have to juggle three kids while out in the world.  And if she had been out on her own getting a pedicure or seeing a film she would still be completely innocent.  A mom gets to take a parenting break when she needs one.  If I could afford a nanny I would have one just so I could be by myself for an hour or so every day.  That wouldn't make me a lesser woman or a bad mom.  A full time stay at home dad would be allowed to have a night out or a beer with a friend on occasion.  This woman has money, and she was choosing to use some of it to make the overwhelming job of parenting three children a bit easier by employing a nanny.    And I'm looking at YOU women who judge other women.  Stop it.  I don't know what I would do without the support of my mom friends, and this morning all I want to be is a friend to that woman in New York who is living our worst nightmare.  She is my sister, and although she does not know I exist and probably never will, today I am making it my business to defend her, to metaphorically hold her hand.  I can do absolutely nothing to ease this woman's unspeakable grief, but at least I can, from afar, say over and over: "It is not your fault.  It is in no way your fault."  It's a small thing.  It's a tiny thing.  But it's the thing I can do.

Another Can't Sleep Stupid Blog Meme to Make up for Lack of Real Update

1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.  All books in my vicinity have fewer than 18 pages.
2. Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch? The side of the couch.
3. Before you started this survey, what were you doing? Surfing the net.
4. What is the last thing you watched on TV? Undeclared.  (that is the name of the show, not a description of my answer)
5. Without looking, guess what time it is 4:12 am.  
6. Now look at the clock. What is the actual time? 4am.
7. With the exception of the computer, what can you hear? fridge running, clock ticking, husband snoring.
8. When did you last step outside? What were you doing? Around 8 last night went out to see the northern lights.
9. Did you dream last night? Yes.
10. Do you remember your dreams? Some of them.
11. When did you last laugh? Last night.
12. Do you remember why / at what? Recapping the day for my husband and laughing at my kids.
13. What is on the walls of the room you are in? Art, clock, curtains.
14. Seen anything weird lately? Dead bear.
15. What do you think of this quiz? It is typical.
16. What is the last film you saw? Ironman 2.
17. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live? I need to check out more places before I could make that decision.
18. If you became a multi-millionaire overnight, what would you buy? My freedom.
19. Tell me something about you that most people don't know. I know sign language.
20. If you could change one thing about the world, regardless of guilt or politics, what would you do? Stop sexism.
21. Do you like to dance? Not in public.
22. Would you ever consider living abroad? Yes,
23. Does your name make any interesting anagrams? I assume so.
24. Who made the last incoming call on your phone? I think it was my husband's uncle.
25. What is the last thing you downloaded onto your computer? pictures.
26. Last time you swam in a pool? April.
27. Type of music you like most? Folk, musical theatre, pop.
28. Type of music you dislike most? Hard rock.
29. Are you listening to music right now? no.
30. What color is your bedroom carpet? no carpet.
31. If you could change something about your home, without worry about expense or mess, what would you do? Re-do the downstairs.
32. What was the last thing you bought? groceries,
33. Have you ever ridden on a motorbike? no.
34. Would you go bungee jumping or sky diving? no.
35. Do you have a garden? ummm...kind of, a neglected one.
36. Do you really know all the words to your national anthem? what? of course.
37. What is the first thing you think of when you wake up in the morning? what do I need to worry about today.
38. If you could eat lunch with one famous person, who would it be? David Letterman.
39. Who sent the last text message you received? Kara.
40. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Chintz and Co.
41. What time is bed time? Around 9pm.
42. Have you ever been in a beauty pageant? I just lol-ed.
43. How many tattoos do you have? none.
44. If you don't have any, have you ever thought of getting one? only kind of.
45. What did you do for your last birthday? worked. My mom made me a gluten free cake.
46. Do you carry a donor card? no.
47. Who was the last person you ate dinner with? kids.
48. Is the glass half empty or half full? vacillates. 
49. What's the farthest-away place you've been? Europe.
50. When's the last time you ate a homegrown tomato? Last week.
51. Have you ever won a trophy? yes.
52. Are you a good cook? marginal.
53. Do you know how to pump your own gas? one must.
54. If you could meet any one person (from history or currently alive), who would it be? Great, great, great grandparents.
55. Have you ever had to wear a uniform to school? no.
56. Do you touch-type? no.
57. What's under your bed? floor, sub-floor, .boards, insulation, basement ceiling, air, mom in law's suite, carpet, sub-floor, boards, crawl space, plastic, earth, rock, molten core, more dirt, China.
58. Do you believe in love at first sight? no.
59. Think fast, what do you like right now? peace of mind.
60. Where were you on Valentine's day? can't recall.
61. What time do you get up? when I wake up.
62. What was the name of your first pet? Ambrose.
63. Who is the second to last person to call you? Can't remember.
64. Is there anything going on this weekend? No.
65. How are you feeling right now? Okay,  Weary, a bit anxious,  Status quo.
66. What do you think about the most? Money, kids, getting organised.
67. What time do you get up in the morning? This is the same as question 61.
68. If you had A Big Win in the Lottery, how long would you wait to tell people?  I would only tell close family and friends, after a visit to a financial adviser.
69. Who would you tell first? My husband.
70. What is the last movie that you saw at the cinema? Footloose.
71. Do you sing in the shower? I rarely shower.  I bathe.
72. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Fuck off, another repeat question.
73. What do you do most when you are bored? Internet.
74. What do you do for a living? Act and write,
75. Do you love your job? I do.
76. What did you want to be when you grew up? Artist.
77. If you could have any job, what would you want to do/be? Artist and writer.
78. Which came first the chicken or the egg? Fuck off.
79. How many keys on your key ring? A few, soon to be 2.
80. Where would you retire to? Millionaire Acres.
81. What kind of car do you drive? Saturn.
82. What are your best physical features? Hair and hands.
83. What are your best characteristics? Wit and compassion and relentless creativity and a complete ability to not give a shit if people like me or not.
84. If you could go anywhere in the world on vacation where would you go? Right now, Maui, because people I respect say it is awesome and because I have never once had a vacation for pleasure and relaxation.
85. What kind of books do you like to read? Grown up books.  They all seem like a distant memory.
86. Where would you want to retire to? Hello, question 80.  Nice to see you again.
87. What is your favorite time of the day? When I am asleep.
88. Where did you grow up? In a nice, mid-sized city.
89. How far away from your birthplace do you live now? About a 9 hour drive.
90. What are you reading now? This question.
91. Are you a morning person or a night owl? Morning.
92. Can you touch your nose with your tongue? no.
93. Can you close your eyes and raise your eyebrows? wtf?
94. Do you have pets? no.
95. How many rings before you answer the phone? again, wtf?
96. What is your best childhood memory? all pretty good.
97. What are some of the different jobs that you have had in your life? kid photographer, actor, writer.
98. Any new and exciting things that you would like to share? no.
99. What is most important in life? love.
100. What Inspires You? Capital Letters On Every Word!